You’re breaking the cycle in your family. It could be how you see the world, or vote. It could be leaving the religion you were force fed. It could be quitting booze, going vegan, or improving the ways we treat one another.
You’ve lived long enough to realize their ways will never work for you. They never really worked for them either, and you carried the burden of seeing that. For years, you felt yourself increasingly alone in how you felt. You thought, “maybe these jokes aren’t funny”, or “why on earth are we so judgmental, angry, or outraged by that group of people?” You had a front row seat for the bad behavior. The drinking, or screaming. Racism. Misogyny. So many hard lines around “the way we do things.” Hard lines reminding us: we can either fall in, or be cast out.
When we changed, they tested our resolve:
“You used to be much more fun”.
“Why don’t you pull that stick out of your ass and stop acting all uppity?
“Why are you so sensitive?”
“How dare you say or believe that? …Behave that way?”
Our parents pass on the blunt instruments of dogma and conformity. Most of us spend a lifetime sharpening them by the fire.
There’s nothing harder than feeling like an outsider in your own family. Religious trauma is a thing because it’s so easily accessible. A shared code of (often warped) beliefs we use to guilt and shame one another. Like that hideous recipe we eat every year because “it’s tradition!” I’ve worked with so many warriors who had to leave the only lives they knew. Mormons. Hindus. From the Left, and the Right. No one should have to— but we do.
My Degree is now a Problem?
The same parent who insisted we finish college— the one who even paid for it. They now find your critical thinking to be a problem. At Kent State University in 1970, the Ohio national guard was deployed by the governor to stop the protests. Four students were shot dead by their own state government. This is where I studied rhetorical theory and smoked weed. My History of Vietnam professor witnessed the May 4th shootings, and lost friends. His emotional lesson seared into me: “we go to school to hopefully learn how to think. Learn to question things, and call bullshit accordingly.” A great responsibility of a free society, to take that critical thinking to the polls.
Last week, I posted a story on Facebook about my Republican stepdad. Wayne was a great man, and the reason I originally registered Republican at 18. Later in the post I stated the obvious, that people of character can change, and vote their values. That whatever disaster that party may be, they don’t get to rewrite recent history, or claim Jesus. Thank God, some rising stars on the Right are saying the same thing!
Predictably, a close family member I grew up with texted me hate. Things that are so off-the-rails nuts, I can’t even retype them. Spewing talking points of hate, lumping me and anyone who believes as we do together. Calling us words that were over the line back in the ‘80s. I calmly asked them to check their facts, and their language. Someone who was a passionate Marxist at my same liberal arts college, eventually joining the cult of toxic capitalism. 🤷🏻♂️ Another family member once emailed me KKK material for posing with a Black Lives Matter sign. “Ain’t that Amerrrrica…. For you and me?”
Yogananda taught: “Don’t let people walk all over you, but always be so calm within that nobody can hurt you or take away your peace of mind. When I feel my kindness is abused repeatedly by someone, I become sternly silent and aloof until that person realizes his error; but I don’t become unkind.”
Today I offer you Two Things.
The first is from an anonymous source. Just thought it was beautifully stated:
“Beware of any Christian movement that acts as though the world is full of enemies to be destroyed rather than full of neighbors to be loved.
Beware of any Christian movement that demands the government be an instrument of God’s wrath but never a source of God’s mercy, generosity, or compassion.”
The second is an apology.
If any of the above resonated with you, maybe you’re that oddball in your family. The Renegade. The Change Agent. It’s a very hard road to walk. Especially heading into the holidays. You may even wonder if it’s been worth it. I am so sorry if this is you. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful you are so brave. It just gets cold out here, cranking our Rage Against the Machine cassettes.
Maybe this is the fire we’ll gather around for a minute. Friendsgiving came early this year. I see you. Your kids are lucky to have you as an example. It’s so important to rewrite the scripts. Actually, burn all the scripts and let your kids write their own. I hope you can relax as much as possible today, and let all the hope burn within you.
As I’ve meditated this week, I hold each of you in a bubble of peace, and power. Glowing as that Light through any darkness. Win, lose, or draw— this is who we’ve been called to be.
How are you feeling out there?
Definitely resonates with me. Your words about breaking the cycle in terms of humor and being so judgmental on many levels hit home for me because I was more complicit in these traits than I’d ever like to admit. Thank you for writing these thoughts and points so cogently Kris!
All of this. Love you.