Quitting isn’t Recovery

My not-so sexy secret that was killing me

Warning: if you are easily offended, or triggered by sexual trauma, this probably isn’t the post for you. I wish it wasn’t for me either. My goal is to demystify addiction, and what recovery might look like. Both come in many forms. The shame of either can be heavy enough. I’m sharing this today to release the past.

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There’s a former neighbor who leads a sobriety group on Facebook. The energy in the group is very rah-rah. It feels like sick people cheering each other on to stay sick. No talk of looking deeper, or healing what may be causing them to drink. Just a lot of white-knuckling dry drunks, convincing themselves they’re winning. Not seeing that even when they stop (I really hope they do stop for good), the roots of their addiction run so much deeper.

When the roots are left alone in the damp basement of all those things we’re not willing to face, or forgive— our addictions won’t only keep blooming. They will pull the house down.

A few years after I quit drinking, I ran a paid program called The New Sobriety. I was proud of it, and I think we planted seeds for a good number of people to quit for good. There are grads of that program who’ve completely changed how they live. Quitting drinking was a formative step in building their confidence to conquer other things. That’s how it worked for me. My newfound sobriety led to starting my own business, becoming a pro coach, and giving my first TEDx talk. Looking back, what made The New Sobriety work was the spiritual and meditation foundation. Like good coaching, our community practiced deep levels of self-awareness. As their awareness improved, the booze felt out of place.

Jacob Kriz, Unsplash

The Gift of Awareness

Awareness works like installing better lighting, and a good dehumidifier in the basement. We cleaned up our environment, so healthier habits could beat back the black mold.

I’ve been invited to join my former neighbor’s Facebook group, to “Slay The Booze Dragon!” (or some happy horsesh*t) a few times. I’m still not sure why. Yes, I quit drinking 13 years ago and haven’t gone back. No, I didn’t work the 12 steps at the time. Yes, I absolutely should have. I would have discovered that maybe I didn’t even need to quit drinking. I definitely would’ve learned what made my time bomb tick.

There’s a false notion in our quick-fix culture— that sobriety is a one-and-done, flipping of the switch. It’s not. Sobriety is the ongoing practice of healing all our pieces parts. The hope is to find the gift of our addiction. The gift being that by Grace, it led us toward a life of sobriety.

I went to exactly one AA meeting back when I quit. The old-timers circled me and kept pushing to admit I was an alcoholic. Calling myself an alcoholic never felt accurate, though I realize why their admission of powerless probably worked for them.

Quitting and recovery are two remarkably different things. I’m not just talking about alcohol. It goes with anything, and everything. Our brains are wired for self-soothing, and once we go to any self-soothing well enough times, that behavior gets hardwired as an addiction.

The more I accept myself as a high-functioning human who developed maladaptive, addictive, compulsive behavior, the more my perspective on addiction changes.

I didn’t choose my addiction. It chose me.

I was exposed to hardcore porn when I was 8, by a relative and our babysitters. It was a VHS tape, and I was watched closely for my reaction. Not long after, I was exposed to gay porn. The trauma of those two events was like a baby tree getting struck by lightning.

Two trunks kept growing into two lives. One that I was willing to show the world, and another I kept hidden in the deepest recesses of my shame. A highly-intuitive friend remarked that when he met me, he “couldn’t tell if I was running from something, or running toward something.” The answer was both— away from my trauma, and toward my next fantastical dream. Away from my family, and toward some idealistic version of my family in my head.