Being Alone Sucks. Part #1

What my girlfriend taught me about solitude.

Coming at you with Julie Andrews vibes in Sound of Music, whipping open the curtains, envisioning new outfits for all the children. These are a few of my favorite things: being alone in silence, being the life of the party, and deep connection with other humans. Trouble is, my inner neurotic little kid made it impossible to reconcile these. Until now. Our tiny, bold move today is solitude. Won’t bury the lead here. Gulp— I had a girlfriend. I say had, because I can’t have nice things. I say girlfriend, because she is a girl and that is super exciting.

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Reawakening— Mid March?

Lots of developments and breakthroughs I’m excited to update you on. This morning feels like New Year’s Eve meets my birthday. Except, one is 3 months earlier, and my birthday is six months in either direction. I’m turning 50 on September 5th, and yesterday I secured a (sick) venue to host ALL the people I love for a night of “Epic: music, laughs, heart, and soul.” You know, a celebration of life without the inconvenience of dying first. Need to thank my friend and Kripalu retreat guest Laurie Thompson for her beautiful speech at her own epic 50th, which I’m so grateful to have crashed.

The six months since my birthday are a blur. I suppose it was the last year of a prior life. The highlights and lowlights all blend together. I see much of it as running around, avoiding the inevitability of my marriage ending. Incredible things happened of course, like Laurie’s party, many deep moments with dear friends, and my India pilgrimage. It feels like New Year’s because 2025 will begin for me with Aries season. Crazy amounts of completion wrapping up in Pisces, and I’m just about ready to explode back into the world.

I never told you, or really anyone something crucial to the story of my healing. Healing has taken over my writing, and many of my hours each day. It has become my highest, most essential work. Because, healing is the 1 lingering assignment of Lifetime #1. To ignore it would end Lifetime #2 prematurely. I can’t get too far into my healing in one post, cuz it would leave you with more questions than answers. The nutshell is: my unresolved childhood trauma turned me into a robot in our marriage. A not always kind, or fun to be married to robot. Somebody the wider world felt they knew well, because I liked being admired from a very long, very safe distance. Like a show pony. Meanwhile, those closest to me felt an enigma shrouded in mystery. Even thinking about this brings up deep regret. Unresolved abandonment issues, physical and sexual bullying, and a lifetime of smiling through all of it left me— um, stunted in very important ways. The obvious healing we could all use is simply to love ourselves, as is. This has created massive breakthroughs since India, and I’m a little embarrassed to share how obvious all of this must seem.

Alas, that’s the beauty of me, is that I’m not you. I get to fumble through my own entry-level, obvious things I should have healed sooner. My dream of a forever marriage tricked me into thinking I was “set”. That I could maintain all of my protective shells indefinitely. Once that was removed, I could either heal or die trying.

I kissed a girl (and I liked it)

In the shock and awe of selling our home, moving into my own place last summer, and figuring out how to keep going— I met an amazing woman. I didn’t know how, or when to make a proper introduction, or if an intro was appropriate regarding our kids, or the timing of my separation. I should have introduced you though, because not knowing Amy is your major loss. The week we met (on Bumble) I felt a calming sigh of relief. There was a deck of spirit animal archetype, oracle cards sitting out from my move. Amy has been My Deer from day #1. All emotional safety, and calming support. Quietly peering through the (dark) forest around us, letting me know she’s present, and that I am safe. We discovered a truly unique, and beautiful connection almost immediately. We were together from June, through our birthday seasons of the early Fall. The wheels came off due to my attachment wounds, and continual reckoning with childhood shame— all while sprinting quickly across the globe to either find myself, or lose myself in more client work.

We took exactly 1 photo together. Walking into a 5-star Indian feast she booked for my birthday. My lag time on emotional matters is improving, though it still sucks. I could have shared this roughly six months earlier, in real time. Although, I was technically still married and literally didn’t know how or where to begin. I was happy enough, just being in it.

I could write volumes on how remarkable Amy is, and what she taught me. She’s five years younger than me, a point I underline, tho she still shrugs at. Another molehill Virgo makes into mountains. I took her to a reunion of friends from high school. Convinced it might suck, my Deer told me to relax, and receive the gift. We had possibly the best evening out of my entire year. Logistically, she’s a decade ahead of me in the divorcee/solo parenting game. She’s an Enneagram Two, the deep feeling heart of the whole system. Many of my favorite people ever are Twos, and I’d put Amy on that list.

In all my frenetic survival-while-healing-shame-spirals of grief— our relationship didn’t make it. Not in its original form. I still have regret over not introducing Amy to more of my close circles, anytime sooner. To know her is to love her. Part of me was frozen in my past, another inner child part of me is usually frozen in awkward fear. Around Christmas, Amy and I went on one of our first (and only?) public dates in my city. The hostess seated us directly next to my in laws, who had been my parents and good friends for almost 30 years. I told her Akron was small, as their booth sat perched above our table, like a panel of Olympic judges. 🤦🏻‍♂️ Everyone was lovely about the situation, though I told her that if I still drank I would be under the table, completely shitfaced.

More hard-won lessons…